Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize