I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
