So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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