stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
