T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
