the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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