I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
