I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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