The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
