I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
