I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
