so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
