I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
