Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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