well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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