i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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