# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm always down for nudity.
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