she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Man, jail baloney is awful.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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