every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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