I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
