The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
