Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
