i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
