my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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