Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
