last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
