the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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