you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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