and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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