She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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