I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
