So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
