You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
