was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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