I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
