we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
