you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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