I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
