i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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