He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We named our party play list daddy issues
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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