I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
