A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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