I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
