i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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