Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
