Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
