paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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