Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
