walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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