'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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