You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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