i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
