It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize