If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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