Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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