4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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