and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
