booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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