I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
