Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
