her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
